It was perfect, so simple, yet so right. I looked at you again, stared deep into your eyes. You were still smiling. I smiled back, mentally shaking my head, thinking, what, I wonder? It was as good a time as any. You were leaving soon. I knew that. I knew that you’d be leaving. Starting a new life. And here I’d stay. Stagnant. Idle. Alone. I knew it would be one of my last moments with you. I knew how I felt. Guessed maybe, wished, hoped you felt the same way. I was on the verge of telling you. Kissing you. Tasting your sweet lips again. Feeling the pressure of your body against mine. Feeling the touch of your hands pressing against my back. Holding me closer. But I just smiled. Smiled and looked away. That chance was slim, I thought. Not worth risking what we had. Not worth risking not being able to be there when you needed me. Needed someone, anyone to talk to. Not worth missing you more than ever. Not worth not being able to talk to you. It’s worth it now. It was worth it then. I should have told you. Back then. I should have held you close and whispered in your ear. Caressed you as I looked into your eyes. Screamed it from the top of my roof. Where we used to look at the stars. And the sea. Held you as you smiled. Waiting. Expecting. I didn’t do any of that. I didn’t say anything. And now, now I’m sitting in my room. Surrounded by memories. Some great. Filled with wonder and happiness. Others sad. Filled with self-pity and regret.
I cried silently to myself. Letting the tears roll down my face. I didn’t sob. Didn’t move an inch. Didn’t close my eyes. And didn’t blink away the tears. I let them come. I let them fall.
I told you how I felt later. When you were across the world. It felt right. Telling you. It felt great, hearing you admit that you thought about us. It felt exhilarating, waiting for you to come back, seeing you again. It felt painful, when you told me we couldn’t be. When after we kissed, you said it was a mistake. That it wouldn’t be fair to me. To yourself. To someone else. And now. I feel happy. Because, despite everything we’ve been through. We’re still friends. We’re still amazing together. We still joke. I still flirt. You laugh it off. But, I’m not joking around. I still want to be with you. But I don’t want to hold you back. I’ll be your friend forever. I’ll be there for you. I’ve begun to move on. But I still think about us. What could have been. And those thoughts make me smile. Because, what can I say? I can still dream can’t I?