What's your secret?

Well you see… I have many secrets and I’m going to tell you all of them.

1. I killed my neighbor’s cats twice in the same year.
2. I once peed down a slide at the park. I still cringe at the children.
3. Prior to this previous secret I would lick the slides.
4. When I was 14, I was given the task of drowning kittens by my girlfriend’s mother. I filled the large laundry sink with room temperature water and held the eight kittens under. The strange thing is that as each one died and floated to the bottom, it turned and rested ‘snuggled’ to the previous. I put them in a garbage bag and was carrying it out when the bag moved and I heard a meow. I opened the bag and found one kitten had survived so I drowned it again.
5. I can’t stand blogging but I do it because I don’t have real friends.
6. I have no real recollection of the amount of kittens I have killed in my life.
7. Once when I was watching a movie, I was sure that the antagonist was me, but I know I didn’t act in it.  This caused much mental angst for months.
8. I am sexually attracted to my bestfriend.
9. One of my eyes is fake.
10. Four of my toes are fake.
11. I JUST finished masturbating.
12. I have alterior motives for posting this.
13. My girlfriend hates me but she stays with me anyways.
14. I often run into parked cars but I pretend that I’m only mad at them.
15. My chair is near the window. Every day I sit in it. I have venetian blinds so I can see out but people can’t see in. If I turn the lights out, I can sit there the whole night and nobody knows I am watching.
16. I intentionally attempt to give myself multiple tapeworms, but only so that I can be the patriarch of my own colony. I am not so worried about my weight.
17. I secretely worry about my weight.
18. I have an insatiable thirst for bogirls who are uncomfortable with their bodies.
19. I JUST started masturbating.
20. I wrestled a bear once.
21. I wrestle du bear once.
22. I have conducted my own scientific research to prove that ingesting sperm has positive effects on a middle-aged man’s health.
23. I guard the lives, so what?
24. I once drove a ghost so mad that it took it’s own life.
25. I’m a good drawer.
26. I often dream that I will meet a wonderfully self-conscious woman and that we will have a star wars themed wedding in the backyard of my parent’s home.
27. I snuck on the warden’s computer so I could write these secrets here.
28. I am in a mental institution.
29. I’m not crazy though.
30. Really.
31. I know for a fact that I have seen atleast 5 of you who have read this in your homes.